


Unusual Bedfellows

by singingwithoutwords



Series: You People Give Me Road Rage [3]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Accidental kidnapping, Clint is a Brat, Cuddles, First Aid, Fluff, Gen, Kidnapping, Massage, Medical, No Sex, Non-Sexual Bondage, Seth is a Cuddlebear, Steve Feels, a bit of crack, no seriously, slight angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-16
Updated: 2015-02-27
Packaged: 2017-12-23 15:16:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 7,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/928016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/singingwithoutwords/pseuds/singingwithoutwords
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How Seth slept with everyone in the Marvel universe, and didn't have sex with any of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Insufferable Genius Meets his Match

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Tony works too hard and Seth is having none of that shit.

Tony was in the zone, deep inside schematics and calculations and notes.  Time had ceased to exist an indeterminate number of days ago, and he was vaguely aware of a nagging little thing called 'hunger', but he was so close to a breakthrough that he could  _taste_ it.  Fuck food, he'd rather have success.

"J, buddy, where the hell did you put those notes Bruce made on the casing wear?" he demanded, turning slightly as a new screen popped up with the notes he needed.  "Thanks,"

"Sir, if I may-"

"Hush, J, Daddy's working," Tony admonished absently, diving back into his work.

"Sir-"

"Not now, J."

"Yeah, you haven't even left the room yet, have you?"

Tony most assuredly did  **not** jump with a frightened squeak and grab the arc reactor.  Starks didn't do that sort of thing, not even when their maids were creeping up on them like ninjas and scaring them shitless.  "Fuck!"

"It's nice to see you, too, Mr. Stark," Seth said, his usual completely unfazed self.

"Maidman, what are you doing here?  It's only- um... J?"

"It's Thursday, sir," Jarvis informed him.

"And when I left on Monday, I swear you were standing exactly there," Seth said.  "I bet your bedroom is exactly how I left it, too."

"There's a bed down here," Tony protested.  True, he hadn't slept on it so far this week, either, but...

Seth gave him a look that said he didn't even need to ask.  "Jarvis, please save whatever Mr. Stark is working on and shut it down."

"Hey!" Tony protested as the screens vanished, workstation going dark.  "Traitor!  I'll have your circuit board for this!"

It would have been more threatening if he hadn't had to interrupt himself twice to yawn.  Now that he wasn't focusing on work, those four days with no sleep, very little food, and copious amounts of caffeine were making themselves known.

Seth took Tony by the wrist and started pulling him across the lab, toward the bed - okay, fine, it was a plus-sized camping cot, it had pillows and a blanket, shut up - near the door.  He pushed Tony down, pulling off his shoes and glaring at him until he lied down.

"Jarvis, tell Amy to go ahead and leave without me," Seth said, pulling off his jacket and kicking off his shoes.  He climbed onto the cot as well and lied down right.  On.  Top.  Of him.

"What the hell, Maidman?"

"We both know if I so much as turn my back, you'll be working again," Seth pointed out relentlessly, getting comfortable facedown and half on top of Tony, managing to not even touch the arc reactor.  "Close your eyes and go to sleep, Mr. Stark."

"If we're sleeping together, you _have_ to call me Tony," Tony insisted, yawning once more.

"Shut up and go to sleep."

Tony grumbled and closed his eyes.  And though he'd never, ever admit it, it was the longest and most restful sleep he'd gotten since the attack on Manhattan.


	2. The Soothing Sounds of Thunder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Seth cannot hold his mead and Thor makes an excellent bed.

Thor leaned against the back of the couch, smiling.  He'd had occasion in the past to drink with all his fellow Avengers, but men and women such as fought to protect an entire realm were of a certain type, and there was little merriment in them when deep in their cups.

Seth was of a warrior's cloth, and likely would not hesitate to take up arms, but he had never truly fought as the Avengers had.  He was... innocent, in a way Thor and his comrades could not be.

He was also very poor at holding his mead.

"I just-" Seth said, gesturing widely with his mug.  "And he's so stubborn.  I mean, it's sleep!  Who doesn't sleep?" He snorted, setting the mug down on the table with exaggerated care, staring hard at the carpet before starting to laugh again.  "I spilled.  I bet I can blame that on Master Stirk.  Mister Stack.  Fuck it.  Tony.  Imma blame that on Tony."

Thor smiled wider.  "Not a breath of the truth will pass my lips."

Seth reached over, patting him on the chest.  "You're a good guy, Thor," he said seriously.  "Even if you are getting me drunk 'cause you're home alone and bored."

Thor counted five seconds before Seth burst into giggles again.

"If you take advantage of me, Barton'll be pissed," he said, making a visible effort to calm himself.  "Cause I'm his wife, y'know, and he doesn't seem like he'd stand for infidelitying."

"I am unsure if that is a word," Thor said, which sent Seth into such a fit of laughter that he wound up sprawled across Thor's lap, gasping for breath.

Seth seemed overflowing with mirth, unlike his usual composed self, and Thor had to help him to sit upright, then hold him in place to prevent him falling over again.

Seth patted Thor's hand with a bemused smile.  "Your hands're huge.  Like... huge.  Really big.  I'm gonna sit on you."  He suited action to words, pouncing on Thor's lap, cat-like.  "You're warm.  I'm divorcing Barton and marrying your chest."  He giggled to himself while he talked, curling up against Thor.  "Mead is awesome."

Thor rumbled his agreement, taking a long drink from his own mug while Seth continued to wiggle and squirm in his lap.

"Pardon, Prince Thor,"

Thor looked to the ceiling attentively.  He did not fully understand the workings of Tony's artificial intelligence, but he understood that it was a being of intellect and reasoning, and it would be impolite to ignore it.

"I have taken the liberty of airing out a guest room for Seth, if you would like ot move him.  His breathing and heartrate indicate he is asleep now."

"My thanks, but no," Thor said, brushing his fingertips through Seth's hair.  "I do not mind how he is now."

Thor didn't often get to enjoy his drink without the pall of battle and old wounds hanging over the affair.  Seth was all but a child to him, innocent and untainted, unafraid and frankly joyous when he chose to show it.  Thor had been a bed to many in his time, even many of Midgard, and he liked the weight in his lap.  It was a welcome reminder of all he fought to protect here.

He reached down, pulling the blanket that usually hung on the back of the couch off the floor, and gently wrapped Seth in it, shifting until they were both settled, then set aside his mug and closed his own eyes.  The being in the walls would warn the others to be quiet when they returned, he was sure, and he could do with a nap now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, I'm not stalling on the angstfests that are my current WIPs. Why would you think that?
> 
> Comments are love!


	3. Tangled in a Spider's Web

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Seth is a trusting idiot and Natasha gets some sleep.

"So," Seth said with more calm than most civilians could have mustered. "We're locked in a Cold War bunker."

"Yes," Natasha said, kicking the door in frustration.

"That we can't break out of."

"Yes."

"And we have no idea when the rest of your team can find us and bust us out."

"Correct."

"Great."  Seth sighed, pulling the band out of his hair.  Natasha had never seen him with it down- he always wore it pulled back while he worked.  He looked like a shorter, saner Loki.  "See, this is why you guys should never let Mr. Stark poke other people's inventions.  Especially not in the living room."

Natasha allowed herself a small huff of agreement.  When they got out of this mess, she was going to skin Stark for throwing the device at her when it started glowing.

"Well, if we're stuck here for the duration, we might as well settle in," Seth decided.  "You should get some sleep."

"No."  She said it flatly, with a note of finality.  She didn't know Seth well enough to turn her back on him, forget about leaving herself vulnerable enough to  _sleep_.

"You're tired," he said, opening the cabinets against the far wall.  "You just came back from a four-hour fight with massive robots.  Get some rest."

"I'm fine," she insisted firmly.

"And even if I find any food, you won't eat it," Seth guessed, glancing back at her.  In the too-bright light she could clearly see he was smiling.  "I'd say you're paranoid, but considering your job, I guess it's understandable."

Natasha put her back to the wall and slid down into an easy crouch, watching Seth.  He kept looking through everything in the bunker, bitching to himself about how hermetically sealed bunkers shouldn't be so goddamn dirty.  Most things he put back where he found them, but a few he tossed onto the twin-sized bed taking up roughly a quarter of the available floorspace: a thin blanket, a notepad, and a pen.

"Ah, here we go," he said at length, turning around with a coil of neon orange rope in his hands.  He tossed it over the bed, onto the floor a few feet from her knee.  "There's a knife in there, too, but I figured coming at you with a weapon might be a bad idea."

Natasha was surprised enough to blink at him, just once.  What the hell was he playing at here?  Why was he giving her rope and pointing her to weapons?

He smiled, a touch smugly, and crossed his arms.  "I was vetted by your bosses before I got this job, you know," he said, sitting on the bed facing her.  "I needed to know the basics of what you and Agent Barton did in order to not wind up dead.  I passed their tests with flying colors."

She nodded slowly, still not sure what he was aiming at.  "And?"

"And you're too well-trained to fall asleep in the same bunker as someone who might potentially kill you while you do it," he said, shrugging.  "So tie me up, _then_ go to sleep."

She leaned forward, snagging the rope.  "And if I decide to kill you?"

"Then I'm dead no matter what, so fuck it."

Natasha fingered the rope absently, biting her lip.  He barely knew her, yet he was willing to put his life in her hands, to make himself helpless for the sake of her peace of mind.  After a long moment, she stood.  "Turn around."  He obeyed without protest, which was gratifying. Once he was bound to her satisfaction, she sat on the bed next to him, divesting herself of the part of her arsenal that wasn't safe to sleep in.

 "So, where am I sleeping?" Seth asked.  He didn't even look uncomfortable, which was frankly a bit unnerving.

"We share."  If he was enough of an idiot to trust her like this, well... she wasn't enough of a monster to make him sleep on the floor.

"I can almost _feel_ Mr. Stark wanting me to make a dirty joke here," he remarked.  Natasha snorted, lying him down and stretching out next to him.  For being at least 20 years old, the mattress was surprisingly comfortable.  "Yeah, I feel about the same.  Good night, Agent Romanov."

She hummed a response, closing her eyes.  And when the others found them still side-by-side on the narrow bed, even Stark had the good sense to keep his mouth shut for once.  Overall, there were worse ways to catch up on her sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there's the non-sexual bondage and a bit of angst. Nat, stop getting feels on my crackfic. =3=
> 
> Comments and Kudos are love.


	4. Rocking the Captain's Cradle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Steve doesn't want to admit he has PTSD and Seth didn't really need to go home tonight, anyway.

Steve woke from a vision of snow and terror and a hand that he _should have been able to reach in time_ , panting.  His heart was pounding like he'd just run ten miles, every muscle in his body knotted with tension.

He stared unseeing at the ceiling for what felt like an eternity, trying to force himself to relax, silently repeating what the doctor at SHIELD had told him.

_You did everything you could.  It wasn't your fault.  Don't blame yourself._

But when he closed his eyes and saw the terror in Bucky's eyes as he fell...

He was startled from his thoughts by a soft knock on the doorframe, and managed to turn his head.  Seth stood leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest.

"Oh.  Do you- Miss Williams already cleaned in here, I thought.  Should I-"

"Jarvis said you could use some company," Seth said, interrupting him.  Steve still wasn't used to that, to someone who was supposed to be the help but didn't see himself as beneath any of them.  " _Could_ you use some company, Captain Rogers?"

"That's kind of you, but I... I'm just... restless.  Nervous energy."  He smiled his best USO tour smile and sat up, running a hand through his hair.  "I'll just go to the gym for a while."

Seth obviously didn't buy it.  "Nightmare?" he guessed shrewdly, sighing when Steve couldn't stifle a reactionary flinch.  "It's nothing to be ashamed of, Captain.  You lived through a war.  Even people who took the long way here from World War Two still have nightmares about it."

"I'm not shellshocked," Steve insisted automatically, flushing.  "I'm- I just..."

"Mind if I come in?"

"Oh- no, go ahead.  Sorry."

Seth stepped into the room, sitting on the couch next to Steve.  "I'm going to put this in very plain terms for you, Captain.  Don't take offense."  He reached over and put his hand on Steve's shoulder.  "You're hurting.  Not physically, but you're still hurting.  And anyone who thinks it's wrong to actually take care of a part of them that's hurt is an idiot.  Got it?"

Steve laughed softly in spite of himself, shaking his head.  "I'm not hurt, I just need, you know... time to adjust."

Seth sighed again.  "You going to sit there and tell me it doesn't hurt every time you wake up remembering everyone you lost during the war?"

"Well, no, but-"

"You going to tell me it doesn't hurt when you think of all the years you missed?"

"Of course it does, but-"

"No buts, Captain.  How much sleep have you gotten in the past few days, that you're falling asleep on the couch at six in the evening?"

"Not much," Steve admitted sheepishly.

"Think you can get back to sleep now?"

"Probably not."

"Figures.  Jarvis, tell Amy she's leaving without me again.  Lie back down, Captain."

Steve hesitated, trying to find a comfortable position that didn't leave part of him draped over Seth, until Seth got fed up and forced - inasmuch as a normal person could  _force_ him to do anything - him to pillow his head in Seth's lap.

"Close your eyes and relax, Captain," Seth said, running fingertips through his hair.  It reminded Steve of being small and constantly sick, curled up with his mother.  Strange that a man would make him remember that, but Seth just seemed... in control.  Mothering, in a distant and slightly amused way.

He drifted off about the time Seth started humming a slow lullaby, and didn't wake up again until dawn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's Steve Feels all over my crackfic! *flails*


	5. Let Sleeping Hawks Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Clint tries to be unreasonable and Seth is frankly used to it by now.

There were very, very few things Clint hated more than medical.  Three things, to be exact- he'd made a list once.  It went Loki, people shooting at him, tea with honey in it, and medical.

So of course whenever he found himself in medical, he did his level best to annoy them into kicking him out.

Unfortunately, the doctor who'd reset his broken leg and picked shrapnel out of his unbroken leg was made of sterner stuff than most, and was being singularly unannoyed with him.

"I'm not letting you sign out before the painkillers even kick in, Agent Barton," Doctor Unimpressed With Your Shit said, jotting something on his little clipoboard.  "You might as well give up now before you make your headache worse."

"Don't underestimate me, Doc, I can get Director Fury to kick me off the 'carrier in ten minutes flat when I need to," Clint informed him, shifting restlessly and ignoring the dull spike of pain down his neck.

"I have five daughters, Agent Barton- you're a rookie compared to 8-year-old triplets who want new dresses."

"That is not fair," Clint accused, fidgeting with the bandage on his ribs.  "Go get me a doctor wthout your training, then."

"No."

"Fine, then," Clint grumped.  If he couldn't annoy himself out with just his charm, he had other tactics to utilize.  "I want my wife."

"You aren't married, Agent Barton," Doc Unimpressed said.  "Maybe you hit your head harder than we thought..."

" _Tony!_ " Clint yelled, knowing full well that the rest of the team - minus Bruce, who was in a post-Hulk coma/nap - was waiting in the hall for the doc to finish.

"You screamed, Merida?" Tony asked, popping his head in the door.

"I want my wife.  If I'm stuck in this torture chamber, I want my wife to suffer with me."

"He doesn't even work today, Robin Hood.  Hell, I'm pretty sure he's at his other job right now."

" _I want Seth!_ "  Clint whined, doing his best to imitate a very bratty little kid he'd had the displeasure of sitting next to on the bus once.

"Jeez, okay, I'll call him!" Tony said, throwing the hand not holding his phone in the air.  "You are way more trouble than you're worth, Barton.  I'll track him down and have Happy try and drag him here."

"If I can't have Seth, I'm going home."

"Fine, whatever, you little bitch," Tony said, waving his free hand.  "Pepper, Pep, my love, track down Maidman at his day job.  No, it's not an emergency.  No, I'm not firing- why would I fire him?  I love Maidman!  No, seriously, just a little birdie being a huge jackass and we need Seth.  Please?  You're a goddess, Pepper, I'm buying you a new car.  What do you mean you have enough cars?  Pepper, that doesn't even _exist!_ "  And he was back out in the hall, arguing over whether or not someone could possibly have enough cars.

Doc kept his unimpressed face on.  "He won't be allowed in the building without proper clearance, you know."

"I know," Clint said with just a hint of smugness.

The smug disappeared about ten minutes later when Seth stalked into the room.

"This may come as a shock to you, Agent Barton, but I do have a life outside of you."

"You wren't supposed to actually _come_ ," Clint told him.  "I just wanted to go home."

"Yes, because it's totally okay for a doctor to send you home with broken limbs and a head injury," Seth said, reaching over and fiddling with Clint's pillow.  "Now stop acting like a baby and get used to the fact that we're not leaving until tomorrow morning at the very earliest."

"Tomorr- wait, we?  You're staying, too?"

Seth rolled his eyes, messing with the bedding a bit more.  "Since you'll just wind up getting yourself strangled with an IV tube if I leave you alone, yes.  Now stop fidgetting so I can move your leg without hurting you."

"Why are you moving my leg?"

"Because there won't be enough room for me on the bed otherwise," Seth answered as if that was the most logical, reasonable thing to say.  "If you're going to go around telling everyone I'm your wife, you are not making me sleep in a chair."  He kicked off his shoes and climbed up next to Clint, stretching out on top of the thin blanket.  "Now close your eyes and go to sleep.  You're already injured, and I'd hate to have to knock you out myself."

Clint was not a genius like Tony, but even he knew when he was fighting a losing battle, so he obediently closed his eyes.

It might have been the drugs or the fact that he wasn't alone, but Clint couldn't recall spending a better night in medical in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Doctor Unimpressed With Your Shit is my new favorite person.


	6. Villainous Bonus Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ross is an ass, and seriously: how is this Seth's life now?

"I want to go on record stating that this is all your fault, General."

"I don't recall asking you to get in my way," Thaddeus snapped, growling under his breath.

"Get in your- oh, I'm sorry, General- I should have been able to tell by the fact that you were _bleeding and unconscious_ that you had everything under control.  My bad.  Next time someone decides to kidnap you around me, I will walk right by and let you handle it.  Sound good?"

"You've got a smart mouth, for a civilian."

"Fuck off, General," Stark's maid said lightly, as if he backtalked high-ranking Army officers every day.  Then again, working for a tower of freaks had probably skewed the boy's view.  "And the fact remains that if you'd just give up your hate boner for Doctor Banner, neither one of us would be here."

Thaddeus growled a little louder, wishing he had room to pace.

"But no, I'm locked in a cage in some terrorist-creep's basement with General fucking Ross.  Somehow, this has become my life.  Mister Stark owes me a fucking raise if I make it out of here alive."

"Will you please shut up?"

"No."

Thaddeus sighed, resisting the urge to grab the annoying little ass and bash his head into a wall until he got some quiet.  He was getting too old for this.

The maid sighed right back, leaning against the cage bars.  "Look, I'll make you a deal.  I won't remind you of all the ways you deserve to be dropped off a cliff, and you stop glaring at me.  It's very annoying.  I've slept next to someone with more fatal potential in her left kneecap than you have in your entire body- you don't scare me."

"Fine," Thaddeus agreed.

They were probably going to be here for a while- it was standard policy not to negotiate with terrorists, even homegrown eco-terrorists, but he doubted the Army would leave him to rot.  He was still too valuable an asset.  It might take a few days, but eventually they'd be rescued.

"Good," the man leaned over and picked up the neatly folded blanket that was the only thing in the cramped cage besides them.  "Come on, let's get comfortable."

"I am not going to... cuddle you."

"Um... in case you missed it, General, we're in a basement.  In New York.  In _winter_.  It's cold as a bitch down here, and we have one blanket.  I doubt we'll get another one no matter how nice we asked.  So either we share body heat, or you freeze your ass off.  I don't care- I'm staying warm."

Which was a better point than Thaddeus wanted to admit, so he didn't argue.

It took about ten minutes of bickering, but they eventually managed to settle in the corner furthest from the door, and it really  _was_ noticeably warmer.  Thaddeus muffled a yawn in the blanket and decided he should give serious thought to retirement.  He was definitely too old to put up with political kidnappings.

The rescue party showed about two hours after Thaddeus nodded off, and Iron Man made it perfectly clear they were there for the maid, and Thaddeus's rescue was incidental at best.

At least he'd managed a fairly good nap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what happens when I don't have feedback to rein me in. You have only yourselves to blame.


	7. Big Green Cuddle Machine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Hulk likes tactile reassurance and Seth has officially given up.

Hulk smashes stupid robot one more time, waits to be sure it's broken enough. Sparks only, no movement, so Hulk turns away.

No more stupid robots to smash. All broken up in pieces. Good. No more danger.

"Well, that fucking sucked."

Hulk looks down at the floor.  Broken robots and wood in a heap, dark hair and clean smell.

"Maidman."

Maidman looks up.  Eyes go wide, then normal.  Hulk can't smell fear, just clean soap.

"Hey, Big Guy," Maidman says, uses Tin Man's name for Hulk.  "Good job with those robots.  You're really good at this superhero stuff."  Maidman smiles, moves and hisses.

"Maidman hurt?"  Hulk asks, squatting, getting closer.  Bruce likes Maidman.  Wouldn't want Maidman hurt.  "Hulk hurt?"

"No, no, you're good," Maidman says.  "Just, you know, there's kind of a table on my leg, and it's pretty hea-"  Hulk lifts table and pushes it over, away from Maidman.  "Yeah, that's much better.  Still can't feel my leg, but much better.  Thanks."

Maidman's leg is all red under his pants.  Smells a bit like blood now.  "Hurt."

"I'll be fine," Maidman says, reaches out and pats Hulk's arm, soft.  "Don't worry.  As long as no more evil robots attack the Tower, I'll be fine."

Hulk growls.  No robots allowed to hurt Maidman.  Bruce not have many friends, needs this one.  Hulk will protect.

Hulk pushes robots away and sits, picks Maidman up and holds him close.

"Whoa, hey- no hugs needed, Big Guy, really!"

"Hulk protect," Hulk announces.  Can't hear any more fighting, and house-voice would say if Hulk needs to smash more robots.  "Keep Maidman safe."

Maidman sighs, but stops squirming.  Good.  Hulk sits, patient, waiting for others.  When others come, danger will be all gone, then Bruce can come back.  Safe then.

Maidman moves around a bit, sighs some more, yawns.  "I think I'm spending the night here again.  I really should just ask Mr. Stark if I can move in."

Hulk grunts.  Maidman should.  Belongs in tower with them.

Maidman yawns again.  "Screw it.  I don't even care anymore.  Wake me up when you're ready to let me go."

Hulk smiles.  Maidman needs sleep, anyway.  Won't wake him up, not even when others come.

Hours later, with the sun just beginning to rise, Bruce woke up in the middle of the destroyed living room with his arms still wrapped around Seth.  He simply smiled apologetically and said it was really his turn, anyway, then went in search of a change of clothes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My Hulk is drawn mostly from the amazing fic: [Metal Heart](http://archiveofourown.org/works/402527/chapters/663517) by heathersdomain.
> 
> All of you go read it right now.


	8. Directing the Director

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fury only thinks he's in charge, and Seth should really be getting paid overtime for this.

Loathe though Nick was to agree with Barton on anything, he had to admit that Doctor Unimpressed With Your Shit was a much more suitable name for Dr. Davidson.

"I'm aware you're the director of SHIELD and can disappear me with a single form," Dr. Davidson said calmly.  "You cannot, however, _sign_ said form at the moment, and I am not going to order you released.  Honestly, you're worse than Mr. Stark about ignoring potentially life-threatening injuries."

Nick growled and made a mental note to add an addendum to protocol forbidding Medical to strap him to beds.

"You're going to aggrevate your stitches if you keep struggling," Davidson warned him.  "Then you'll be here even longer."

"Take off the restraints," Nick ordered.

True to form, Davidson completely ignored him.  "Now, we can't give you the usual sedatives, since you managed to test allergic to every single one we have, so I've made other arrangements." He stepped over to the door and opened it.

"What the fuck is Stark's maid doing here?"

"He's here to make sure you sleep," Davidson said.  "Given his remarkable success with Agent Barton, I have half a mind to petition a permanent place on Medical's staff for him."

"You couldn't afford me," Lautner said, shrugging off his jacket.  "Mr. Stark can't, either, but I like him enough to overlook that.  You do know my contract is for Avengers emergencies confined to the Tower, right?"

"I'm aware, and I thank you for making an exception," Davidson answered evenly.  "I know this was supposed to be your night off, but we do sort of need Director Fury."

Lautner nodded.  "That's why I'm here.  I do have work in the morning, though- have someone wake me around 7?"

"I'll make sure someone does.  Thank you, Seth.  I'll get out of your way now." Davidson waves absently at Nick and left, dimming the lights and closing the door behind him.

"You're fired, Lautner."

"I don't work for you," Lautner said, toeing off his shoes.  "Just give up, Director Fury- I got Agent Romanov to sleep in the same bed as me.  You don't stand a chance."

Nick growled, yanking on the cuffs one last time.  "I'm revoking your medical clearance."

"Great; you can get started on those forms in the morning."

"I hate you."

"I get that a lot." Lautner climbed onto the bed, slightly wider than most in Medical, and lied down on his side.  "Now shut up and go to sleep.  It'll be less embarrasing if you give in gracefully."

"I don't do graceful, punk," Fury snapped.

"Of course, Director.  Either way, I'm going to sleep now.  Feel free to threaten the ceiling or something."

Nick closed his eye, and opened it to find out he'd managed to sleep through Lautner leaving the next day.  In the privacy of his own mind, he allowed himself to admit the kid was good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to Gooligan, for suggesting Fury, and all the fans of Doc Unimpressed.


	9. Working Woman Woes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Pepper has a kink for people who read their contracts, and Seth has hands made of magic.

Pepper separated out one packet of papers and held them out. “This is your updated employment contract,” she explained. “Each page needs to be dated and initialed, and the last page needs your full signature. The nondisclosure clause in particular, pay close attention to.”

Seth nodded, accepting the packet and sitting back to actually read it.

Pepper could have kissed him. She'd spent all day trying to get people to actually read paperwork, fighting a sinus headache the size of New Jersey while trying to think in English and speak in French, all while trying to remind Tony about a little thing called 'deadlines' that he still insisted didn't apply to him. If Seth actually read the whole thing and signed it correctly, she just might ask him to marry her.

He did, but she managed to keep the marriage proposals to herself as she handed him the tenant agreement as well. Which he also read. And signed without whining.

“Seth, I think I'm in love with you,” she said when he actually opened the slim folder of rules and regulations and started reading _those_ , too.

Seth smiled, not looking up. “Careful with that kind of talk- Agent Barton will get jealous.”

Pepper laughed, even though it made her head throb unpleasantly. “I best leave before he thinks I'm poaching, then,” she said, reaching for her bag.

“If you don't mind my asking, Miss Potts, are you feeling okay?”

The question caught Pepper off guard, and she looked up so quickly that she couldn't stop a slight groan of pain.

“Head hurt?” he guessed, setting the folder down on the coffee table.

“A little,” she admitted, and only because Seth had managed to get Tony to sleep. For a whole night. More than once.

“Taken anything for it?”

“Yes, but it's not working very well. And before you ask, I have too much to do to sleep it off.”

“Come here,” Seth said, pointing at the couch next to him. “You've got time for a massage. No arguing,” he added when she opened her mouth to do just that, pointing emphatically at the couch. “Let's go.”

Pepper thought briefly of making a run for it, but it wasn't as if a quick massage would really take that long, right? So she stood and stepped around the table, sitting on the cushion next to him.

“Sinus or stress?” he asked, turning her so he was behind her back.

“Both,” Pepper admitted. “Do I need to...”

“Just your jacket,” Seth said. “I only need access to your neck.”

Pepper shrugged out of her blazer and set it carefully aside. Seth settled his hands on her shoulders against the sides of her neck and did something absolutely _magical_ with his thumbs, and Pepper just about melted. “Oh, _God_!”

Seth laughed, but his thumbs didn't stop. “Just close your eyes and relax, Miss Potts,” he instructed, like she could manage anything else when he was doing whatever he was doing to the base of her skull.

Pepper's eyes slid closed, and when she opened them it was morning, she was using Seth for a pillow, and had acquired Tony as a blanket. She hadn't felt so relaxed and rested in _years,_ and she didn't even have to fill out any paperwork for this.


	10. Villainous Bonus Chapter of DOOM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Doom's escape doesn't go quite as smoothly as he'd like, and Seth has learned to carry a first aid kit.

“This had better be someone's rock garden, because if I open my eyes and we're on a beach, I'm gonna kill someone.”

Doom had not the energy to spare to respond to such childish whining, and far more important things on which to focus his attention. The boy who had been dragged along in Doom's escape was of no consequence, a servant beneath Doom's attention.

“God, we're on a fucking island,” the boy groaned. “This is a bad dream, and I'm unconscious in the gym. This can't be happening to me.”

Doom continued to ignore him, examining his mangled gauntlet. The armor had not reacted well to the spell he'd attempted, and large sections were not responding to Doom's command. That could prove... inconvenient.

The boy stood, dusting sand from his clothing. “So. Doctor. King. Emperor. Your majesty. Whatever the fuck you go by when you're not blowing up other people's houses. Where the hell are we?”

Doom gave no response, attempting to flex his fingers. They moved within their armor, sending pain along his arm. Doom frowned behind the obscurity of his mask. The plates along Doom's upper arm were torn and jagged, the flesh beneath scored.

“Okay,” the boy said, stepping close to Doom and kneeling in the sand. “That doesn't look good. Can you take the armor off?”

“For what purpose?” Doom demanded.

“Um... because you're bleeding? Seriously, is this a thing you superpeople do, ignoring being hurt? I just need to get at your arm so I can patch you up.”

“Doom needs no assistance from the likes of you.”

“Doom is going to need stitches and maybe a new arm if he keeps lugging all that metal around with those cuts.” Doom freely admitted the boy was brave, if nothing else. “Seriously, you have nothing to worry about- I'm the fucking _maid_. I'm not going to steal any great technological secrets, and I think we're both very aware of the fact that you could take me naked. In your sleep.”

“Indeed.”

“Of course that's the part you agree with. Will you please just let me stop the bleeding?”

Doom considered the plea a moment before nodding. His other arm still functioned, and he used it to release the damaged armor. The boy withdrew a small box from the bag at his hip and shifted closer, hands practiced and respectfully soft as he doctored Doom's wound. He made no attempt to examine the armor or do Doom harm, and moved away once his task was finished.

“There. At least you're not going to bleed to death wherever the fuck we are. Any ideas about that, by the way?”

“Doom is unsure,” Doom admitted, making no comment when the boy assisted him in replacing the discarded pieces of his armor.

The boy sighed. “Great. Well, I'm about 95% sure Mr. Stark stuck a tracker on me at some point since I moved in, so someone should be coming for me eventually.”

“What is your name, boy?” Doom asked.

“Seth. Nice to meet you and all that.” Seth laid once more in the sand, closing his eyes. “I'm going to catch a nap while I can.”

Doom flexed his armored fist, biding his time. Seth fell quickly into sleep, and only then did Doom consent to lie beside him.

Doom rose, rested, in the dead of night to take his leave; as thanks for his aid rendered, Doom left Seth his cloak to warm him until the rescue party arrived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I blame this on Kimberly_T. Seriously, the idea would not leave me alone even though I wanted to do about three other chapters first. orz


	11. THE ABSOLUTE BEST CHAPTER EVER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~~In which Seth is a pretty princess and~~ Deadpool no.

A long time ago in a Tower far, far away, there lived a fair maid na-

 

Deadpool!

Excuse you, I am expositioning here.

 

No.  Give me back my fanfic.

It's my fanfic now!

 

I said no.  Wait your damn turn.

**DUCTTAPE**

I love duct tape.  Now, where was I?

_Kidnapping the maid._

Right.  Tower far far away, blah blah blah Seth.  I bet he can see the yellow boxes.

"Who the hell are you and what are you doing in Doctor Banner's closet?"

"Seth!"  Look at him, standing there looking all normal and stuff.  "I'm kidnapping you, okay?"

_Hey, he can do that one eyebrow thing!  Can you do that?_

Maybe if I had eyebrows.

"You seriously broke into a tower inhabited by superheroes to kidnap their maid?"

"Yes."

"Are you- oh.  Oh, fuck me- you're Deadpool, aren't you?"

"Yes!"

 

Seriously, Deadpool, you have no idea what you're doing.

Give me back the keyboard.

Note to self, use more duct tape.

 

Okay, seriously.  Fuck you.

"Who are you even talking to?"

"The author.  He's being a jerk because I don't want to wait until chapter 15."

"And I suppose that makes sense to you.  Look, just get out of Doctor Banner's closet- you're weirding me out."

Yes, kidnapping time!

"You do realise you're saying that shit out loud, right?"

"It's hard to tell without my little yellow boxes.  Can I kidnap you now?"

"You know what?  Fine.  Whatever.  Jarvis, tell Mr. Stark I'm going out for a while."

He'd look good in a princess dress.  I should get him one.  A green one.

"Batshit insane mercenary or not, you try to put me in a dress and I will punch your face in.  Are we leaving or what?"

"Yes!"

_We should take him out to dinner first._

No, I want cuddles now.  Dinner later.

"Tackling me onto Doctor Banner's bed for cuddles is not the same as kidnapping me.  Just saying.  Seriously, is this- that had better be a gun."

"It is."

"Well, get it off the bed.  And any other weapons that might kill me in my sleep, too.  Now for the love of God, lie down and go to fucking sleep."

_He's cute when he's mad._

Should we keep him?

_No, we don't have enough duct tape._

"Stop talking to yourself."

"Yes princess."

_Wow, he knows some exotic swear words.  I'll take notes._

Good night.

 

Are you done?

Yes.

 

Good.  Can I have my fanfic back before you blow it up?

I told you, that's not my dynamite.

 

Yeah, and I'll totally take your word for it.

Seriously, look at this mess.

What can I say?  I'm used to comic books.

 

You are just... go to sleep.

Okay, Mr. Snootypants.

 

Fuck.  You.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter turned into a bit of an experiment, trying to write a fanfic about and from the point of view of a medium-aware comic book character. Cut the poor guy some slack; he's used to someone drawing all his actions for him, not having to narrate them himself.


	12. Three for the Price of One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Thor's friends are curious as kittens and this sort of thing is written into Seth's contract now.

Thor's dwelling on Midgard was a fine structure, gleaming and awash in wealth, and it was certainly a sight to behold. His quarters were suitably grand, and the company he kept pleasing both to the mind and the eye. The food was plentiful and good, and the conversation engaging. It was well into evening, and the Warriors Three were enjoying themselves immensely as Thor and his companions shared tales of their time together.

"-and ran smack into a building," Clint finished his story with relish, grinning.

"Yeah, you can laugh," Anthony said, groaning. "It took me three days to get all the dents out of the armor. Three days!"

"Don't be such a baby," Clint responded with an expressive roll of his eyes.

"Are we going to have to talk about the time you whined so hard your wife had to leave work and come spend the night with you?" Anthony asked.

"You are wed?" Volstagg asked curiously. "Where is your woman?"

“I'm not married,” Clint said. “Tony's just an asshole.”

“You are so married,” Anthony disagreed. “Nobody on _Earth_ is more married than you two. It's painful to watch.”

“I am going to tell Seth you said that, and then watch him beat you to death with a mop.”

“I would never abuse the tools of my trade like that,” Seth spoke up, returning to the room from wherever he had gone. “And stop using me as a threat, before I accidentally dye your entire wardrobe hot pink.”

They had been introduced to Seth upon their arrival, though they had seen little of him; his duties seemed those of a servant, but Thor and his friends regarded him more in the fashion of a beloved caregiver. Seth himself seemed to hold a deep, though exasperated, affection for his charges in turn.

“See?” Anthony spoke up as Seth sat on the arm of one of the fine couches. “Totally married.”

Seth sighed. “If I'm married to Agent Barton just because I shared a bed with him once,” he said, “I'm also married to you. Actually, I'm slightly _more_ married to you, since technically we've slept together twice.”

Anthony whined like a child. “It's not my fault you're such a good teddy bear!”

Fandral cocked his head to one side. “What is a teddy bear?”

“A stuffed toy,” Seth answered, not even so much as blinking when Clint grabbed him round the waist and pulled him down onto the couch. “They're usually given to small children, since they're soft and kids find them comforting to hug.”

“And Seth is the best teddy bear of all,” Clint said, smiling. “Seriously. Has anyone ever _not_ fallen asleep cuddling you? ”

“Indeed,” Thor agreed, nodding. “You lend yourself well as a... 'teddy bear'. It is most restful, but difficult to explain.”

“I think I know where this is headed,” Anthony said, grinning widely.

“No,” Seth protested immediately.

“If we can't explain it-”

“Mr. Stark-”

“Then they'll just have to experience it.”

“You do know I don't exist solely to amuse you, right?”

“Of course not, Maidman,” Anthony agreed. “You also clean up after me and scold my bots. Come on, you were just gonna go to bed, anyway. Also it's in your contract.”

Seth sighed once more. “I don't know why I thought that clause was a joke. I should have known better. Let me go, Agent Barton.”

Clint protested, but released Seth, who stood and stretched, eying Volstagg calculatingly.

“I doubt all of us would fit,” he said at length. “So unless Mister Stark wants to kick Miss Potts out of bed, you should probably draw straws or something.”

“Well, that hardly seems fair,” Fandral said. “If we draw lots, I might be left out.”

“There's always the floor,” Steven suggested. “It's already proven it'll hold all of you just fine.”

“We can have a sleepover!” Anthony exclaimed gleefully, jumping from his seat.

“No,” Seth said immediately. “The rest of you are going to go to bed, like the adults you keep insisting you are.”

“But _Moooom_! ”

“Bed. Now.”

Anthony pouted and made a great show of dragging his feet, but departed, presumably to his bed. The rest of the team left as well, Thor last of all. Clint returned briefly with an armful of blankets, then vanished once more.

Despite his earlier protests, Seth set about arranging a makeshift nest with brisk efficiency, and it was not long before the four of them were settled comfortably amid it.

The Warriors Three were quite used to resting in such conditions, huddled together for warmth or shelter or to avoid notice, and all three of them fell asleep quickly. When morning dawned and they were awakened to return to Asgard, it was with complete agreement that, whatever a teddy bear amounted to, Seth made a very good one.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please, please, please feel free to suggest other characters you'd like to see. I'm enough of a research whore that it doesn't even need to be someone I'm familiar with- just someone from Marvel. ^^  
>  ~~And I'll totally do OCs, too, because I'm weird.~~
> 
> Comments and kudos are loved!


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